Having a hard time keeping track of all the social media sites around the internet? Here's my guide to help you out:

1. Facebook:

A place where people go to check up on their 2,500 friends, 20 of whom they've actually talked to in the last 5 years. Composes the 1/4 of the internet that isn't Google.

2. Myspace:

A version of Facebook that is one suicide vest away from oblivion. It's quite a dark place that many people would like to bury in their past.

3. Google Plus:

Another Facebook copy that Facebook is trying to steal ideas from. Was supposed to bring about the death of Facebook but that hasn't exactly gone as planned. I have never heard of anyone who uses that site.

4. Twitter: 

A place where people go to post mindless crap about what Kim Kardashian ate for breakfast. Is also the place where breaking news first hits the internet, often an hour before the big news sites catch on (See: Death of Osama).

5. Instagram:

A place where teenage girls go to post duckface selfies.

6. IM:

Once the pioneer in social media, IM disappeared along with its parent site, AOL, and Yahoo.

7. Snapchat:

I don't know what this one is. Apparently you don't chat. You just take duckface selfies.

8. LinkedIn:

Facebook for boring people.

9. Newsvine:

A site where all the intellectuals gather to talk about things that mystify Twitter users, such as politics, international relations, social justice, and Michele Bachmann.

10. Weibo:

Chinese ripoff of Facebook.

11. eHarmony:

I'm sorry, what?

12. Pinterest:

The inspiration for Instagram. I think. Maybe that was tumblr.

13. Cafemoms:

This is a nightmarish exclusive club of mothers who talk about the wonders of changing diapers, temper tantrums, and how many minutes of sleep they get every night.

14. Classmates.com

This site is where graduates go to see who is still alive after 50 years of not talking to one another.

15. 4chan

A fascinating site where all of the internet trolls gather to post weird things and wreak havoc on the general population. Stay out- unless they're pulling an awesome prank on some unsuspecting ebay users.